Who's on Twitter?

So, I've had a Twitter account for a few months now that I haven't really used alot. I can either use it more often, or I can find productive things to do. I hate washing dishes, so feel free to follow My Twitter.

http://twitter.com/Josh__T

Yes it has 2 underscores between the h & the T.

Happy Tweeting (it just sounds wrong!).

Plans are for villians and cartoon coyotes.

I have a personal rule that states: "Planning ruins everything". Because it does. Seriously.

Of course I'm not talking about the stuff we should be planning (for example: 'budgeting your money', 'preparing for a major purchase', 'organizing your workload for the week' or 'defending yourself against the inevitable robot uprising'). If you spend any amount of time building up a social event in your head, you have instantly ruined it because almost nothing can ever really live up to hopeful expectations.

The cornerstone of my theory is Halloween Downtown.

It all started a few years ago when I agreed to be sober driver on Halloween and witnessed a night of complete and utter chaos unfold around me. Ever since that revelation, I have always considered Halloween the best people watching night of the year.

• A few years ago I waited till the last minute to buy a costume and ended up with a really relevant "Ghostface" from Scream costume. At one point in the night some random girl walked by, grabbed me and started furiously making out with my mask. I just kinda watched her through the mask eye holes until her friend came over and asked what the hell I was doing to her friend. 

• Face/body paint always seems like a really good idea until the moment you have to actually have to do anything. A few years ago, I saw a guy in a hulk costume (green paint) bun into a guy in a smurf costume (blue paint). Suddenly there were 2 drunk dudes pissed off that someone smeared paint all over them and ruined their costume. Suddenly a fight breaks out, 3 more surfs jump in to defend their friend. Then the bouncers get involved. It was a big, blue & green massacre.

• The wailing mermaid…who could ever forget. not really sure what happened with this one. I walked into a bar, there is a girl dressed like a mermaid, wailing and sobbing hysterically in the middle of the place flailing her arms like the robot from Lost In Space.

• Some girl dressed like Big Bird going apeshit crazy on some people across the street. I have never seen someone in such a cheerful costume yelling so violently at people a block away.

There have been many other hilarious incidents I've witnessed, and while alcohol can probably also be partially to blame,  I can't help but be somewhat convinced that the true culprit was the disappointment and frustration of everyone realizing that what was supposed to be the "BEST NIGHT EVER!" is just ending up like every other night…except for the costumes..and possibly a restraining order covered in blue and green paint.

I try not to put expectations on events. I now "Plan not to have plans". As lame as planning for  spontaneity sounds, I know that there is a good possibility that if I walk into a situation expecting it to be super fun, there's probably no way it can live up to my expectations.

So my advice to you is this: Let life happen and enjoy the moment you are in, rather than anticipating to find an enjoyable moment. And watch out for Big Bird. She is an angry drunk.

Rules for life: Fall 2010 edition

 So I usually write about awesome stuff I see, but I'm feeling inspired to pass on a bit of random advice. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll see someone throw up in public or get bitten by something next week and return to my usual content.

• Don't be too cool to have fun.
• Don't hum in public, it makes you look like a crazy person.
• Nothing makes a situation more awkward, than pointing out how awkward it is.
• Don't be a jerk to people. You'll do something dumb in front of someone soon enough and you'll want them to be cool about it.
• Always plan for the worst. Then, no matter what happens you'll be ready.
• Problems: either work on fixing them or shut up about them.
• Animals love to bite, and can't wait to bite you. From parrots to horses to roosters to kittens, don't turn your back on them. Unless you want it to get bit.
• Strangers don't want to hear music you are listening to. Ever. Seriously.
• 99.92% of people with facial tattoos are crazy. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. The ones that aren't crazy are really interesting.
• If you find yourself obsessing over a decision about something for more than 10 minutes, ask yourself "Will anyone but me realistically care about or notice this?". Probably not, just make a decision.
• When you order food and there are people behind you in line, if you don't know what you want, step aside. Hungry=cranky, don't make it the day you get stabbed with a plastic fork for spending 15 minutes asking some poor high school kid what all comes with a bacon cheeseburger basket vs the cheeseburger basket.
• When in doubt, ask a person something about themselves. For the most part, people like talking about themselves.
• Pick up your trash in public.
• Be nice to cops, everyone else is probably a jerk to them.
• It's gross to feed pets off of the same silverware you are currently using to eat. No exceptions.
• Close you mouth when you eat. Do not chew loudly.
• It's never OK to clip your nails in public.
• Take time to enjoy the moment.
• Tell someone when their zipper is down.
• It's not going to kill you if you get a parking spot far away from the door. (Unless you live in a really really bad neighborhood?)
• Liking your own status updates on Facebook is really douchey.
• dOn'T eVrR tYpE lIkE tHiS. iT mAkEs YoU lOoK rEaLlY aNnOyIng.

What came first? The idiotic questions, or the egg.

I know that if I would buy a blender I'd probably never use it. Or I would somehow lose a finger in it. The only reason I'd ever think of getting one is a craving for a smoothie like twice a year. I was having such a craving about a week ago but once again assured myself that I would only use it for two weeks, and then maybe one more time - which would be the time I would more than likely have the prophesied finger-losing accident.

Then I remembered I have a food processor that I still haven't used - I wonder if I can use it to crush ice?

So I went to the place I go whenever I have a  question - the internet. I type in my question in Google and click on the Yahoo Answers link.

Apparently I should not be crushing ice in my food processors. Crap, well I still not buying a blender.

While retelling myself not to buy a stupid blender because I don't want to have to buy specialty gloves this winter, I happened to notice they list other random questions at the bottom of the website.

I notice one of the questions is:
"Are eggplants safe 2 eat because of the egg recall? like is the plant ok to eat but not the eggs they make?"

Um...

I must have misread that, I better take a closer look, that can't be what this person is asking.

Nope.

It really is what this person is asking. My first questions literally was, how can someone this dumb figure out how to type this stupid question all by themselves??!! I then remember some weird show I saw on Animal Planet about these crazy people who have these pet monkeys that they dress up and treat like children and then wondering if they have to have a pet monkey dressed up like a cowboy type this burning question for them.




Well, thanks to the diligent work (possibly by a monkey in a diaper). Someone very artfully answered the questions and let the concerned egg-lover know the difference between plants and animals.

The thankful egg-thusiest (yeah, just go with it) replied with: "ok cool, I didn't want to miss out on my favorite fruit"

 ...again...what?



So to recap, somebody out there (who may or may not own a monkey) believes that eggplants are fruits that grow the eggs that birds/reptiles hatch from. Also, they want to know if it's ok to eat the plant and not the fruit...so are they eating the stems and leaves of the eggplant fruit?


Screw it, maybe I should just buy a stupid blender and enjoy an eggplant smoothie.

LOST.

Some call it luck, some call it the fact that there are 11 bars in a 4 block radius but for some reason, I find alot of weird stuff around here. Sometimes I am able to get pictures of it, and unfortunately sometimes by the time I get back to the item with a camera, it has mysteriously disappeared. Here are some of the more noteworthy things:

• Just today on the way to the coffee shop on morning break,  I found a pair of handcuffs - which were either covered in dried vomit or rust - handcuffed to a large decorative ashtray - in front of one one of the upscale bars. I forgot my phone so on the way home for lunch I made sure to grab it so I could get a picture, but they had disappeared. THAT is a rough Monday.

• Leopard-print Fuzzy pillow under pickup truck: 

• 1 fancy lady shoe stuffed into the middle of a bush:

Should someone actually be concerned about this one??!! About a block earlier I also found a discarded bouquet. The leading theory so far involves a "runaway bridesmaid" situation, or some messed-up Cinderella-type event - both scenarios could probably be explained with tequila. The woman, or other shoe were nowhere to be found...


• Pants on the ground - No, really!

Found early in the middle of the road on Sunday morning. I suspect either something really good, or really bad happened.
 


• Blood. Kind of alot of it:

The walk to work on Monday morning suddenly got really interesting. Don't be fooled by the zooming out I did on the pic, this is "kind of alot" of blood. Shit apparently got real early on a Monday morning. On the sidewalk. Noticed later on that there was a trail of it leading towards the coffee shop. An EXTREME case of "I'm not conscious till I get my coffee" perhaps?


• The best thing I have found yet:

 Found him while talking to work one morning. It is about knee-high. Spent all morning thinging how I probably do need a 2-3 foot found elephant statue in my home. Went to get him at lunch and he was gone. It's probably for the best. God knows what diseases that thing had. But it was AMAZING.



• Parking sign wearing a soiled shirt at 7am in the dead winter:

 Yeah, I dunno. In the sign's defense, it was a really cold morning...



• Hats. But not normal ones. I don't have pictures of them as I found them in the street, so I'm not posting pics of them but I have acquired a few interesting hats. The first one is a green Puma athletic terry-cloth headband that I decided was lucky. I saw it while entering my apt at like 2am. I didn't take it then cause there was a crowd of people and I wasn't sure if it belonged to someone. I also remember referring to is as "The Precious". You can imagine what state I was in. I woke up feeling a little less that great on Sunday morning with one thought "If the precious is still on the street, IT'S ALL MINE!!" I washed it twice, and it probably is totally lucky. The next weekend I found a captain's hat. I had a little talk with myself about grabbing strange hats off of the street in the early hours of the mornging, but it was a freakin' CAPTAIN HAT. Who could resist? There have been other hats but, thank God, I was able to resist my urges to take them, which I credit as the reason I can proudly say I've never had mange, or head-herpes.

There have been many other things, maybe I'll post an update with some new pictures.

Also, if anyone knows what happened to that awesome elephant, let me know.

Now appearing in your family's summer photos - me.

One thing I've had to get used to with living downtown during the summer is all the paparazzi. No, I'm not saying Lindsey Lohan has ever gotten into a knife fight here or anything, there is just  alot of old, interesting architecture here, so everyone comes here for pictures. It seems all summer long there are happy family pictures, photo shoots for local businesses, engagement pictures...or even apparently sport catalog scene shoots. I absolutely get it - instead of the lame generic, soulless photo backdrops, I would much rather have pictures taken among decaying brick walls than that stupid 90's laser background in some photographer's studio (seriously, what was the thought process behind that laser background "If only there was a way we could look like we are posing for our family picture in the middle of a gun-fight in the far away future - as imagined in the late 80's!")

The thing with there being pictures EVERYWHERE is that when I go anywhere, I end up in them.
A few recent examples:

Last week, I was driving to the grocery store (it was actually the same day I saw this) when I noticed a couple posing parallel to me when I was stopped at a light. I had just turned to the right to try to figure out if they were going to wait till I passed for the pictures to start when the flashbulb began going off. I hope that random couple cherishes the pictures they took this summer with me in my car staring at them like a deer in the headlights.

I didn't even realize I was in the middle of a photo shoot on the walk to work till I heard the photog instructing the child model to "SMILE - but like your not trying to smile, just smile!". With no other option, I just smiled - like I wasn't really trying to smile and continued on my way.

Last week I was on my way home for lunch break after stopping for a healthy shake on the way. I was at a "don't walk: crosswalk when I look up and notice that me, my shake, and my cup of tea that comes with my shake are in the immediate background of a news crew filming a story. I also have a habit of ending up on TV in ridiculous situations - in college, I ended up getting interviewed by a local TV station about about Nazis while super sick -therefore, drugged to the gills on every kind of cold medicine you can get. That was weird.

While riding my bike to the park, I saw a family posing in front of a storefront, but they were taking up the whole sidewalk except for the space between their backs and the storefront, just as I whizzed behind them on my mountain bike, I was blinded by the flashes. Yeah, I'm sure that's one for over the fireplace.

On my bike trail one day,  I see a group of people being staged and posed with sporting equipment while a photographer directed 2 assistants with huge mirrors to shine light on the group. Once, again, as I bike past behind the  models, I am blinded by the flashes. I am now considering adding "sporting goods model" to my resume.

I guess there is one positive, about a hundred or so other people have documented my summer. It's like there is this weird, disconnected scrapbook of Josh T's summer floating throughout a 3-state radius.
But for realz, I really am in like 50 wedding/engagement/family/promotional shots from this summer alone - and at least 2 news stories.

Bachelorette Party Massacre

I am terrified of bachelorette parties. Like honestly "hide behind someone, fake a cellphone conversation, fake a seizure to avoid them" terrified of them. Originally, I was ok with them. Cute girls on a mission to get drunk with a social obligation to misbehave and talk to random guys at the bar. As a random guy, how could I not be onboard with this? A few years ago one night ruined it for me forever.

It all started out as an average Saturday night, me and some friends were at a local bar when I see a bachelorette party enter the bar. They walk around selling beads, scamming drinks out of strangers, screaming "Woooooooooooooooo!" every 7 minutes - all pretty standard stuff. Then one of the girls comes up to me and says "Hey, my friend is getting married next weekend and she thinks your really hot but she's shy, will you go ask her to dance? I'll buy you a beer."

"Awesome!! How could this possibly go wrong?" I thought. But in my defense, who could have really predicted the way things would turn out? I walk over to the bride and notice that when she's not screaming "WHOOOOOOO!" or having one of her friends smash a shot into her face for her, she's really cute.

By this time, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I ask her to dance as she blushes, smiles shyly and says "absolutely".

So this was a college sports bar, meaning there was not really a whole lot of dancing, so the friend her's who approached me plays a slow song on the bar jukebox and we start to slow dance while everyone else at the bar gets back to making bad decisions around us. So the thing about dancing with this bride to be, is it suddenly gets awkward, she seems sweet, she's cute...but she's wearing a wedding veil. I realized then and there it's not a very natural feeling to hit on a girl wearing a wedding veil (call me old-fashioned, but...). Unless it's Halloween, then I guess it's ok. Any other time of year, though, it's kinda weird. So I just say "so I hear you're getting married next weekend, congratulations".

Take note. The second I uttered the word congratulations was the last second of my life that I was not afraid of bachelorette parties.

She then looks up at me with these big brown eyes as are slowly swaying back and forth in a crowd of drunks and starts crying hysterically and shrieking "I don't want to do it! I just don't think I can go through with it! Don't make me do it!" and buried her head in my chest as she sobbs.

...

To top it off, this was at the very beginning of the song. Too shocked to do much else, I then spend the next 3.5 minutes awkwardly swaying back and forth with a sobbing bride-to-be.

Finally the song is over, I ask her if she's ok, she just says "I'm sorry" and runs off to the bathroom crying. Then I look around and there are about 50 people wondering what the hell I just did to that poor bride-to-be.

I look around, go find her friend - the girl who got me into this trainwreck in the first place, and tell her:
1) Her friend just went nuts and after shrieking about how she doesn't want to get married, she's now in the bathroom crying
2) This will actually cost her 2 beers, instead of the one she had promised earlier. Who could say I didn't earn it?

Her response: "Oh no, not again". So after buying me my beers, apologizing for her friend, and assuring me that her friend really did think I was really cute, she went off to the bathroom to find her friend.


After I got back to my friends, before I could even tell my tale of horror, a girl from a different bachelorette party comes over and asks if she can buy my underwear for $8 for a scavenger hunt.

Now when I see a group of girls at the bar screaming "WOOOOOOOOO" while trying to sell beads and suckers (it's basically panhandling), I have a small flashback and try to stay out of sight.

Also, I wonder whatever happened to that girl.

Hide your shame.

So we all have our 'guilty pleasure' songs. I can admit that I do. Songs that you know are so lame you never ever want anyone to know you secretly like.
"Oh, it was just on the radio, I just had it on for background noise, I didn't even realize that song was on."
Yeah sure. What's your excuse for lipsyncing the past 2 verses into a pen before you saw me here?

It's OK, we all have them. I do, and I know they suck.

Even though we all know in our hearts that we love a crappy song or two, it's still really funny when you catch someone jamming out to something REALLY embarrassing. Or it's not really too funny at all, and I'm just a jerk.

As I was walking home from work today, I could vaguely hear something very loud was happening a couple of blocks ahead of me.

What the hell is going on up there?  I asked myself. Is there some kind of outdoor festival happening that I was unaware of?

I start walking a little faster, curious to see what that racket is all about. I hit a "don't walk" sign at a crosswalk (I think we've all learned to just wait for the light), and stopped to looked around to find whatever this ruckus was. Then I found it. Wow.

Driving towards the intersection was a large, shirtless, old man on a motorcycle BLARING that Celine Dion song "The Power of Love". Not just listening to it, but blasting it. Like birds were getting stunned by the sound waves and falling from the sky for a 2 block radius.

Normally, I hate hate when people think it's awesome to drive through downtown with their stupid music cranked to ridiculous levels. None thinks it's cool. Cause it isn't. Don't do it, you'll just look like a douche. Noone else wants to hear your music. (Sidenote - they probably don't want to hear you revving your engine either.)

I couldn't help myself, I started laughing. Like a crazy person. Luckily Celine was probably drowning out the sound my of laughter, so I possibly didn't look like too much of a psycho for the remaining 2 blocks of my walk.

In conclusion: dude, I don't care what kind of music you like. But when you are cruising through downtown on your motorcycle with your music at an aggressive level, it looks like your trying to be a tough guy - "The Power of Love" on your stereo, which is set on 'kill' level isn't helping your case. Turn it the f down and enjoy your ride.

Asian Buffet, American Heartbreak.

Private conversations. We all have them. Sometimes in public places. The thing with private conversations in public places is that unfortunately, they are overheard by the public (or at least me).

I try not to normally hawk in on the conversations of strangers - I think it's rude and I wouldn't appreciate a stranger listening in on my daily conversations, but sometimes I find myself in a situation that I just cannot ignore.

A few weeks ago, some friends from out of town met me for lunch. Since I had to be back to work in a hour (and because I cannot say no to their sugar doughnuts), we decided to go to the nearest Asian buffet.

We pay, go to start committing crimes against the food pyramid at the buffet and I go to find us a table so we can catch up and also so I spill sweet and sour sauce all over my tie (yes, I was the reason my parents couldn't have nice things... ).

Since I live and work in a somewhat metropolitan area downtown, usually this place is full of people who work in the area having lunch. I went to my usual area of the restaurant and was veering towards a table next to a bunch of people in suits who were frantically checking their Blackberries, when I heard 'it':

"You said I could trust you, but that was a lie"

What?!

I looked to my right, and there - next to an open table - was a couple in their early 20's having a "discussion". Sorry Business People, I'm gonna go ahead and check out this other table. I sit down at the table behind the quarreling lovers and I hear: "You said you wouldn't lie anymore, but that was a lie! YOU LIED ABOUT LYING!"

A few questions popped into my head as I look around in amazement. Is anyone else hearing this?  Why do I always find these things? Are they refilling the sugar doughnuts at the buffet, cause I was only able to grab 3?

My friends come find me ringside and we begin to catch up. Remember earlier when I said how rude I thought it was when people eavesdrop in public? It is easy for me to write that when there is not dinner-theater heartbreak happening 3 feet in front of me. I would occasionally tune out my friends and just hear if anything else interesting was loudly said. On about my second shameless glace at the table, I noticed the girl started dabbing her eyes and excused herself to the bathroom. I think she was going to the bathrrom to cry a bit.

Ok, so you know when you're at a movie and you have to go to the bathroom, but can't get up till you know nothing exciting will happen? With her in the bathroom crying, I knew there was no better time to quickly go to the buffet and run back. {This might be a good time to interject into the story that I am not a bad person.}

So we are nearing the end of lunch and they are nearing the end of their relationship. She suddenly stands up, dabbs her eyes, smiles at him wistfully and reassuringly rubs his shoulder as she walks out of the resteraunt. As I was watching the scene unfold, I could just imagine her saying "Although I still have feelings for you, I'm walking away from you and us, but I will fondly remember our time together...except for the apparent lying problem, I will not remember that part so fondly. Goodbye"

WHAT??!! Did I actually see that happen in real life? I didn't know real humans did that - the wistful smile/walkout combo.  I had only seen it in movies and TV. I could only picture her getting into her car, readjusting her rear view mirror with the same wistful, tearful smile and turning on the radio as some female-empowering breakup song coincidentally comes on the local top 40 radio station. "TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT" blaring out her windows as she drives off into the (noon) sunset.

He sat alone at the table for a minute or two and then left - the second he was out the door, I abruptly interrupt my friend, who was in the middle of a story with "HOLY CRAP, DID YOU GUYS NOTICE THAT COUPLE RIGHT BEHIND YOU JUST BROKE UP??!!" They somehow did not.

Now it may seem that I am being a bit insensitive to this poor couple of strangers who just broke up (in a VERY public place, as they talked loudly at times), so if this somehow gets back to them, I really do hope the best for them as individuals and that they don't mind me creeping a listen or two at the conversation they did not appear to be concealing in a crowded restaurant. If it makes them feel better about the situation, I'll even take them out for lunch at the Asian Buffet.

To the left, to the left.

Never give up!

So here I am, 18 hours into a Monday (...I'm actually really bad at math..it was 6pm...I don't know why I don't just say it like that originally...I've now invested too much time explaining it to just erase it and replace it with "it was around 6pm"...entertained yet?), hungry and with nothing to eat at the apt. What's a guy to do? GROCERY STORE! Contrary to the capitalization, I actually hate grocery shopping, but I enjoy "eating" and "not passing out due to malnutrition" so it's a necessary evil.
After making a list on my phone's notepad program and promptly forgetting my eco-friendly reusable grocery bag I'm on my way.

Like most grocery store in America, this particular GS has automatic 'Enter' and 'Exit' doors. The stage is offically set.

On my way in, I see a guy probably around my age about to try to walk out of the 'Enter' door. As you can predict, the sensor does not open for him, and he slams face-first into it.
Ha ha, funny yeah whatever, someone walked into a door. Amusing, but nothing out of the ordinary, HOWEVER, it didn't end there.

Our persistent friend did not appear to want to take NO for an answer. With half of his body mashed onto the door (which was obviously NOT opening for him), he then proceeds to try to shove the door open.

At around the point he had one leg through the opening in the door, he looks up and notices me awkwardly staring at him, waiting to just go in and buy some dumb groceries.

The reason it was so awkward? It always makes me uncomfortable when someone sees you, seeing them in a moment they don't want anyone else to see. Being knee-deep into the wrong side on an automatic door is not the time to be face to (still smashed into glass door) face with a stranger.

He freed his leg, mumbled something along the lines of "stupid door"and awkwardly limped to the actual exit door.

After shoving the door back onto it's hinges so I could enter the grocery store, I was free to buy dinner.

Once, twice, 3 times for "Lady"

While walking home for lunch today, I stopped at an intersection with a 'Don't Walk' sign lit up and noticed a lady on the other side of the street carrying what appeared to be a large canvas (Also, it was windy. Canvases and wind are not besties. They just aren't).

Suddenly, for no good reason, "Lady" takes off running into traffic with her canvas in tow. After making it to the middle of the first lane and almost being clipped by a car, she sprints back to the safety of the sidewalk. This experience would probably make most of us feel dumb and just wait for the light to turn so we can just safely cross the road.

Not our Lady, she is a fighter!

Attempt number two gets her and her magic canvas (yes, I have now decided it is a magic canvas - capable of bestowing unnecessary bravery to the swift) to the end of lane 1 - just as she is about to enter lane 2, a car swerves to avoid her, sending her back to her sidewalk perch.

Ok, so after 2 failed attempts to cross the street, and 2 near-collisions with oncoming traffic, I would throw in the towel. I would look to the sky and exclaim "You win universe, I'll wait for the light to change".  I apparently have a very different thought process than Lady.

Suddenly, Lady starts jumping back and forth and building momentum on her sidewalk perch.
It's. Officially. On. Bitches.

With one last ditch effort to get to her destination a whole minute faster by not obeying the rules of the traffic light crosswalk, she takes off again. Unfortunately so did a city bus...If not for those energizing jumps on the sidewalk, she may not have had the speed and flexibility required to avoid the bus on the way back to the sidewalk.

30 seconds later, the light turned green, our side of the street could cross safely and Lady and her (magic) canvas were back on their way.

Lesson: Why not just wait for the light to turn? I patently waited and was rewarded with a free show.
But seriously, don't run out in traffic. Unless you have a magic canvas.

Hello, Awkward World!

So here is the basic idea: for some reason I happen to stumble across all sorts of weird events, people, animals, objects etc. In an attempt to make the world a better place and to give me something to do with all of these ridiculous stories, I will chronicle it all for your entertainment. Please do not be offended by anything you may read, as I am not trying to offend you personally (no matter what the voices, or your pets may tell you), please don't take anything too seriously. Welcome to Awesome, Awkward World!