"Row it off soldier" is horrible advice.

How many of you have gym memberships? OK, all of you who have your hands raised - keep them raised if you went at least 3 times a week when you first joined. Allright...now how many of you still go as often after 4 months? Still got them raised? Good! Quit complaining, if you work out as much as you say you do, your arm shouldn't hurt that bad. How about after 6 months? Anyone?

Like many Americans I am a fan of nacho cheese Doritos. And because of which, I have a gym membership. As you fellow orange-fingerprint-leaving star-athletes know, when you first join a gym, there is a bit of a learning curve. I have actually been a member of a few gyms over the past few years. I like my gym now, and although I do not consider myself ready to join the cast of Jersey Shore (Sidenote - what is up with the GTL thing? How the hell does anyone have so much laundry to do that they have made it into a mantra?), but I think I am experienced enough to not feel completely out of place at the gym. As I said, as with anything else new, there was a learning curve to working out. I'm sure noone involved will ever forget my first day working out at a gym.

A couple of years I decided for the first time that I want to be in better shape and was going to join the gym next door to my apartment complex. I was pretty excited. I spent the whole day at work ready and waiting to go home and work out for the first time at a new state-of-the-art gym. 5 O'clock came and I was on my way. Now I know that it is not good to work out on an empty stomach, so I figured I would quickly inhale a big plate of leftover spaghetti before I went for my first day at the gym. As a public service - noone who "inhales a large plate of spaghetti" into their mouth should be out the door on the way to the gym.

So on the first day that this place, they partner you up with a personal trainer to teach you how to use all of the equipment and then they max you out on every exercise they can think of so you can figure out how hard you should be working out.

WAIT - they do what? Crap...

So a while later there I am - covered in sweat, already sore and reeking of a combination of spaghetti & regret, when my trainer introduces me to our friend, the rowing machine. 3 sets into some furious high-impact high-level rowing "fun", I start feeling 'not so great'.

"You're FINE" I tell myself. "Row it off, soldier" I tell myself. "Row it off, soldier" is possibly some of the worst advice I have ever given myself.

Now it was my first day, I wasn't exactly sure what the tough-guy way was to tell your personal trainer that you are about to puke. Not wanting to seem like a wuss, between rows I manage to pant: "I...THINK...I...AM...GOING...TO...RUN TO..THE BATHROOM ...AND..PUKE...REAL...QUICK...OKAY?" My trainer asks me to repeat myself, points to the locker room and shrieks "OH GOD! Okay, RUN! Good Luck!". Good luck? Really? In his defense, I really don't know the proper way to respond to that either.

I make a mad dash to the huge locker room, which had apparently been built with the architectural goal of hiding the toilets and making them impossible to find. After frantically running to-and-fro with my hand over my mouth, I find them.

About 5 minutes later I'm ready to get back to completely acing day 1 at the gym. I figure "I already vomited - how much worse can it get". Then I fell off an an elliptical machine.

It wasn't exactly a 5-star day, but I can confidently say that I have not fallen off of, or threw up on gym equipment in years.

Sure we all see the new people at the gym - the first timer who wears jeans to work out, the lame couple that wears matching his-and-hers track suits (before he is ridiculed by his friends), when you see them, just remember how much of a spaz you probably were on day 1 and be a stand-up guy and remind them that the elliptical machines apparently operate on fucking moon gravity.